Betrothed unto the enemy

I cannot, and will not, ever be satisfied. Satisfaction comes from completion and wholeness, like when you finish a painting or an essay, and you look at it and feel a sense of achievement. Complete is something I will never be. Not even close.
I will always be the traitor. I will always be drawn to betrayal, like those insects fly towards the bright, burning light. Only difference is that they don't know that it will kill them; I know it kills me. Whether I want to betray myself or not, I always will. That is who I am, and long ago I was already given over (but it is not an excuse). 





There is something too strong that always pulls me away from what I feel should be right, and it separates me from achieving that right. 


Instinct tells me that there should not be two sides fighting inside me. I should not be a contradiction.


Ever wondered why you're still searching? There's your my answer.

BATTER my heart, three person'd God; for, you
As yet but knocke, breathe, shine, and seeke to mend;
That I may rise, and stand, o'erthrow mee,'and bend
Your force, to breake, blowe, burn and make me new.
I, like an usurpt towne, to'another due,	5
Labour to'admit you, but Oh, to no end,
Reason your viceroy in mee, mee should defend,
But is captiv'd, and proves weake or untrue.
Yet dearely'I love you,'and would be loved faine,
But am betroth'd unto your enemie:	10
Divorce mee,'untie, or breake that knot againe;
Take mee to you, imprison mee, for I
Except you'enthrall mee, never shall be free,
Nor ever chast, except you ravish mee. - John Donne

Beauty is in the eye of the (conditioned) beholder

I know I could probably be prettier if I made the effort.

I could probably be less frumpy, be more daring, make a statement (hopefully a good one) with what I'm wearing.

But that requires effort.

Wearing contacts for a day at uni is just not worth it.

I'm happy for you guys to see me in my hobo/grandpa jumpers.

Nice clothes are nice, but they're only nice because you get to wear them when you feel like dressing up, right?

You know how there are girls that always wear makeup, but you don't really notice it until one day they don't? Yeah you've been conditioned to appreciate them with makeup on. Truth is, when you know someone well and see them often, you either

a) think they're really pretty all the time or
b) don't even notice how they look anymore.

It's just one way our brains simplify all the information they receive.

If I wore makeup on a regular basis there would be too many days where I'd feel lazy and not wear it, so I'm conditioning you guys to see me without it (and you don't even notice I'm doing that). And hopefully you will be pleasantly surprise by how much improvement there can be when I do make the effort.

On the odd occasion when I want to feel pretty.